The following is a paid announcement, and may not represent the views of this station.
Hi. I'm Buffy Summers, and I want to talk to you about a very serious problem. All over the world, demons are dying out. Whether this is from the loss of their natural habitats of swamps, impenetrable forests, or British boarding schools, through the greed of egg or antennae collectors, or through their inability to adapt to human cities, this cannot be allowed to continue. Some irreplaceable species have already been lost forever. No government or United Nations program addresses this problem. The Save the Demons Foundation does.
Why am I asking you this? As a Slayer, you might think that I don't like demons. Nothing could be further from the truth. Actually, some of my best friends are demons. I only want to keep them from killing my other friends. I care even less than you do about the extras that die every week to support our local demon population.
After all, without these beautiful and increasingly rare demons, I'm just another college dropout with a crummy, dead end job and an obnoxious little sister. You don't want to know about my love life.
So please give generously:
- For only a dollar a week, you can provide counselling for a new vampire. The shock of joining the Immortal Undead is considerable; you can help one to adjust to his or her new, uh, life.
- For only two dollars a week, you can help a rare slime demon egg hatch. Throughout Europe and America, the dungheaps that they need to hatch are falling victim to short-sighted environmental regulations.
- And for five dollars a week, you can provide shelter and fake ID for a whole family of Madagascar Sludge Monsters. All they really need is your love, a warm little hole down by the sewage treatment plant, and a nearby jogging trail.
For your pledge, you will receive progress reports on your demon, with photographs, letters, and police reports. There are few things as exciting as receiving the report of your demon's hatching, first moult, or first human kill. The feeling when you see a photo of your very own adult Samoan Rim Slider emerging, shiny and new, from its pupa in a shriveled corpse, simply cannot be described.
If you don't want to sponsor a demon right now, the Save the Demons Foundation can use your contributions in other ways. For example, your donation can provide chastity counseling at a local church, as many of the more delicate demons, like the Moldavian Rainbow Crawler shown here, must subsist on virgins, which are becoming as rare as the demons that require them.
So call in your pledge to the number at the bottom of your screen; operators are standing by. And remember, all contributions to the Save the Demons Foundation are fully tax deductible.
Call now, and you can go to bed tonight with the warm feeling that you're doing something that really matters to this world, and several others.